Keep The Big Rocks

My dog has constantly been checking on me by pushing her nose into my hands, always making sure I look her in the eye before she goes back to sleep. She’s worried because I haven’t really spoken to her all day or made an attempt to do obedience. Today is one of those days when I don’t feel the need to do anything.

It’s OK to be dramatic and let flow the haywire thoughts and emotions that rage inside you. When I was younger, I was teased for trying to express myself, for trying to tell people that I needed support. “Attention whore” is not a label I want to wear proudly on my chest, nor has it ever been. Guess that’s why silence has always been a default, an easy void to fall into.

Today, I have chosen to write, instead of speak because words are powerful and a healer in my world. I’ve been holding these thoughts to myself for so long. Frankly, I’m really tired of letting them run my life and overwhelm me. Maybe I will feel better after composing this letter, maybe I wont. The last few months have been hell – not gonna lie. This is a rather personal matter, but if I continue to lock it up, it won’t get better, only worse. -breathe-

Dear Big Rock,
I really miss you. Not only that, but I really need you in my life right now. You probably have no idea how much I miss you and I guess that’s OK because you’re out there living your life. That’s all I ever wanted… It’s entirely OK. I just… miss you. Being here alone doesn’t make me feel better about where I am in my life and who I’ve lost. We shared so much and I feel like I’m the only one who remembers. Maybe you can prove me wrong by spontaneously texting me telling me how awesome you’re doing? Perhaps that’s selfish of me to ask, but I express myself better in words, not by actions. You know this because you helped me knock down many walls when we were together. Without you there, I feel like I forget who I am, how I feel, and how life is not meant to be lived entirely alone. Being alone is agonizing…
You’ve made me a better person, one who doesn’t always hide behind words, one who isn’t afraid of receiving a hug and in giving one in return. All dramatics aside, here’s the truth: You don’t need me like I need you. I think I knew that all along. Maybe that’s why I tried to keep to myself when all I wanted was to be held by someone who knew me better than I knew myself. You’re one of those rare people who can truly be there for someone else without even realizing how much you’re actually helping just by being there. I need you here… I am completely lost without you.
Please – just once, don’t hold back. Fight to maintain communication… Anything would be better than this silence. /End

I sound rather pathetic – I feel pathetic and alone… I haven’t felt the warmth of someone else’s body caressing my own in a long time. They won’t return… But I will try to stay as hopeful as I can…

It’s going to be a very long night and an even longer holiday season.


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